"We of the Maybe Maybe"

"We of the Never Never" is famous Australian novel from the turn of the last century, detailing the adventures of an Englishwoman, "Mrs. Anaeas Gunn", as she moved to rural Australia to live in the outback with her rural Australian husband, erm... "Mr. Anaeas Gunn". It is also a wonderful movie, directed by Igor Auzins; and was for a very long time a favourite of mine, mainly because it featured a very young John Jarratt and Lewis Fitz-Gerald stuffed into tight trousers, spitting in a manly fashion and wrestling horses.

*sigh* But I digress.

In her classic novel, "Mrs. Anaeas Gunn" describes her challenges as a new wife, and more importantly as a new settler in this magnificent land. Through her eyes, I felt - as a new settler to a rural area myself - that in some small way I had connected with her; and curiously, it was as though this remarkable woman were reaching across the centuries to teach me about the dangers of rampaging livestock; the culture clash between the white man and the native, the risks posed by angry bulls and the fact that some men viewed trousers as a privilege rather than a necessity.

What she failed to warn me about, however, was snakes in your toilet, spiders the size of chihuahuas, moths in your pants, flies in your ears, and the dangers of rampaging possums.

Indeed, as I reflect upon my own "settling in" period here in wonderful, rural, Samford; I am reminded of the words of that great philosopher, Melman:













"Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!"

I wish I could convey to you, dear reader, just how...erm.... "natural" life is here is beautiful, rural Samford.

Why, simply going to the toilet after dark qualifies as a National Geographic Special; and the experience has actually taught me that there are indeed some nature encounters where only the word CRIKEY!!!!!!! will do.

Many of you have heard about the time I woke up with a fly in my ear. (For those of you dear readers that haven't: I once woke up with a fly in my ear. It was a moment filled with new understanding of God's creation, a deeper connection with nature, and me running around like a five year old girl shrieking "BRUCE!! THERE'S A FLY IN MY EAR!!!! THERE'S A FLY IN MY EAR!!!! "

Good times, good times.

Then there was the time I cavalierly zipped myself up after a pleasant enough period of meditation only to discover I wasn't alone in my trousers. As kinky as it sounds, it isn't as thrilling as you might think to discover a tickle in your trousers that you are at a loss to explain; only to discover - after some hasty investigation - that you aren't the only creature zipped into your pants.

In all honesty, my heart goes out to the wee moth. NOTHING that I am not married to should have to suffer like that.

And it gets better: I have learned what it is to enjoy the al fresco experience of a toilet which is not only an outdoor adventure playground, but also an entomologists research lab. I have shared my most vulnerable moments with many a species of moth, spider, skink, cockroach and gecko; and will in all honesty admit that I will never take going to the toilet for granted again.

You see, for most of you, this basic biological function consists of simply entering a private room, doing what you need to do, and exiting gracefully.

Not so in Samford: for me, simply going to the toilet involves asking myself:
a) how badly do I really need to go?
b) can I outrun a huntsman spider with my pants around my ankles if I have to?
c) how likely is it that the toilet/ my pants will be filled with wildlife, and
d) WHAT THE #$(#^ IS THAT GROWLING SOUND OUT THERE?????????

Thank God I have a nature expert like Bruce around to tell me that if we simply turn out the lights, those thousands of tiny flies clustering around the overhead lamp will stop annoying us by falling off the ceiling and into our bed; and that that huge ground tunnel three feet from the house (big enough to admit John Goodman) was likely made by a snake; or that that awful smell from the back cupboard is "not a worry".

I feel much better now .....................