Confessions of a mad stepmother

I have a dirty little secret that for too long I have kept hidden. Its one that I have been afraid to discuss, because its something that no-one talks about. Something that makes me feel like a failure as a person, and one that for a long time, I felt was better off not seeing the light of day.

You see, I am a step-mother; and my filthy little secret is that I am not entirely comfortable with that.

There – I’ve said it.

I have not instantly and totally fallen in love with my husband’s son, our relationship and the idea of step-parenting as a whole.

My husband is a remarkable man; delicious, funny, spiritual, creative, decent, honest and a hundred other things besides. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner, my guide and my spiritual brother.

It’s why I married him. But he is also a father by another woman, and that’s awkward, to say the least.

In being placed in the position of instantly becoming a stepmother, some incredibly complex issues have been raised – and ones that for too long have been swept under the carpet because they are simply not things you talk about. In today’s world of complex family arrangements, it seems assumed that a person will be comfortable in whatever role they are plunged into, so experiencing discomfort with your assigned role is not an easy subject to raise.

Like most step-families, ours was brought into being under the burden of complex issues: Bruce never wanted to be a father – it’s the main reason we remain childless – and yet for better or for worse, he was cast into a role that was…well…. complicated. So we - as a couple - are bound to an ex-wife and a child that we simply have to include in our lives together. But we are not custodial parents – indeed, we only see Bruce’s son once or twice a week for a few hours. And figuring out the shape of a relationship in that context has been surprisingly difficult.

It raised questions for me that I felt had no answers: who am I in the life of this kid? Who is this child in my life? And who is this man I married when the child is around?

For him, I am not a “mother” of any sort: he already has a mother (and a very good one, I am told). And you cannot “mother” a child in only a few hours a week, anyway.

I am not a “friend”: he has friends, and the simple fact that I am socially on a par with his father makes that impossible.

I am not a guardian, teacher, pastor, social worker or any other adult paradigm that a child might encounter.

And for myself, I am not instantly and completely in love with him, although he’s a neat kid, and fun to be around.

And yet he’s not some random child that we are asked to babysit on a semi-regular basis. He’s my husband’s son – and my husband will have a relationship with him that I will never be a part of: indeed, my husband will share that part in the drama with another woman, which naturally feels as though it mars the completeness, or the wholeness, of our union.

If it weren’t so sadly prevalent in our society, it would be the stuff of soap operas.

Friends that I asked about all told me to ‘relax’, to not worry about it, to not get stressed over it. And yet, none of my friends actually are step-parents. None of them understands the challenges of the situation from the inside. And so, it was never discussed - until the other day in church, when I met an old friend of Bruce’s whose wife was going through the exact same thing I am. She, however (and God bless her mightily for this) was not afraid to talk about it – and in a curious way, that gave me permission to explore this idea; to air this dirty secret, if you will.

I went searching for resources on the intarwebs, and discovered, much to my relief, that there are indeed others in this admittedly awkward situation, and there are resources available to them.

Sally Bjornsen, author of “The Sassy Stepmother” says..

When I got married a few years ago, the media had just released a rash of reports on the dismal outlook for any woman over thirty hoping to get married. According to experts, I was in my marital sunset years and damn lucky to have landed a living, breathing straight man who wasn't drooling or in need of a sugar mama. I could hardly believe my good fortune…But, there was one minor detail; my knight had small family complete with two boys and an ex-wife nearby. Love-struck and relieved that there was still at least one good guy left, I willingly overlooked what seemed like mere minutiae at the time and pursed the relationship with gusto!… Distraught that I wasn't enamoured with my role as a stepmother, I sought some practical counsel from friends and family on the dos and don'ts of keeping the romance while helping to raise someone else's kids. Much to my chagrin I found that no one in my circle of confidants had any helpful advice because they hadn't been there.

In a review of a book called “Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade by James Bray, Ph.D., and John Kelly”, I found that they had a chapter entitled “A Stranger in My Own House: The Part-Time and Full-Time Stepmother."

Without even reading that chapter, I knew exactly what they were talking about.

And in an article entitled “The Ups and Downs of Becoming an "Insta-Parent", the author says:

"Stepparenting can be a real shock for women who have never had any children of their own. Preconceived gender roles assume that women are automatically programmed to "mother" in a mothering situation. At the same time, stepchildren already have biological mothers who often resent another woman on her "turf ….

If she's been in contact with the children from the first marriage, she will frequently be put into difficult positions vis-à-vis people outside the relationship. …She may be treated with suspicion, be greeted with unsolicited advice on her role, or be burdened with unrealistic expectations.”

It was astounding to discover that others had not only found themselves in the same position; but were faced with the same emotional and practical challenges.

Often times, when confronted with my role as “stepmother”, I encounter feelings and attitudes that I don’t understand. In the past, I couldn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was – until I realized that I had no idea how I was supposed to be feeling. I had no experience in a step-family situation; no experience being married; no experience with children of my own.

I was spectacularly unprepared to be a step-parent.

And that’s been challenging, not only for me, but for Bruce as well. There isn’t much available in terms of resources, either, for fathers that find themselves in the position of marrying women that aren’t instantly and completely thrilled with suddenly having to form a family relationship with someone else’s child. But I have to say that Bruce has been my hero in all of this, and I know that together we will figure it out – in fact, its only thanks to his understanding and support that I am even able to explore this.

But I guess the biggest relief is to know that you’re not alone in something that you find difficult to cope with - regardless of what that thing might be. In my case, I never talked about my deep discomfort with being a step parent because I was afraid that I was the only person in the world that felt this way, and that I was a complete failure for feeling the way I did.

So my approach for managing my situation was to turn to God, and to ask Him what the proper approach was. The path that I found worked for me was to try to understand how to be ‘faithful’ to the way in which God teaches us to act in situations and relationships that we find difficult. I try to act with humility, patience, grace and kindness – to support Bruce in the challenges he faces in the situation, and to strive to be a blessing to those around me.

Of course, me being me, I often fail quite dazzlingly at all of the above, but I do try.

So perhaps I am writing this – thinking aloud if you will – because I am beginning to think that I might actually have something to offer to the community in which I am serving. The vast majority of kids I see in my role as chaplain come from blended families, and I am certain that there are other step-parents out there that are also struggling with their role. Perhaps there is room for a discussion group for people in this position.

I am open to suggestions :-)