the joys of internet dating: part the fourth

well over a year ago, internet "dating" was not even on my radar. in fact, i met my ex while simply seeking friends in australia so that when i immigrate, i will have a ties to a community already in place.

recently, i realized that while i have a few good friends in brisbane, i have only one who is a committed christian, and would feel much more comfortable if i were acquainted with a few more that shared an active church life, a fellowship of the spirit and a love of volunteering.

so, as it was an effective means to an end, i signed back on to the christian site where i had met the ex and decided to have a poke around.

it was an eyeopener, and i was staggered by the sheer numbers of men that were still there over a year after i had first seen their profiles on that site; but it was an experience that has yielded a profound learning that i am here to write about:

the perils of a man that is well past his "sell-by" date

there are several key warning signs that a man has been on the internet dating scene longer than most twinkies have been on the shelves of north american gas stations. here are a few:

he is not just on one site, he is on ALL of them.
if you see a profile on one site, check out a few other sites, especially if they are special interest sites (i.e. if you tend to seek a partner on buddhist/retired military/ professional accordianist sites, be sure to check ALL buddhist/ retired military/ professional accordianist sites!)

see, if i am even searching half-way seriously, i tend to confine myself to christian sites (it saves a great deal of unnecessary churn) . i learned recently from a mutual acquaintance that my ex was not only back on the site on which we'd met - he was on every christian dating site in creation. perturbed, i signed on to a few and sure enough - there he was. and yet, he was not alone in this. many of the profiles that have been on the one site longer than a year also appear on every other site as well.

this is not a good sign, i thought: its internet dating taken to a whole new level. when a person stops looking for the "somebody" and begins looking for "anybody", its time to give them a miss.
key learning: avoid profiles that have a broad dispersal pattern

watch for headings and or "introductory sentences" that are the romantic equivalent of a car alarm

• are there any nice ladies out there?
• lonely in (insert locality here)
• almost given up hope
• desperately seeking.......YOU!

key learning: avoid profiles introductions that say "can't be too choosy at this point"


watch for key phrases peppering the profile itself.
(note: the following are taken verbatim from actual profiles: i haven't altered a single word. i will leave them to stand without comment as i cannot imagine what i could possibly add to them)

• I AM SEARCHING FOR FRIENDS WITHIN (insert locality here) ONLY - if you are from outside of (insert country), please do not reply to my profile - thankyou..........
• I am hoping to meet a younger lady who like myself has never been married and has no children, who is intelligent, attractive, has a sense of humour, shares similar interests and most important of all has a heart devoted to the Lord.Please do not expect a reply if you don't have a photo or don't fit the criteria I am looking for.
  
• looking for a woman shows self respect (sorry ladies obese does not lol!)

• Hiya, well I am a fun loving romantic type of guy with a wicked sense of humour, love to experiment sexually willing to try new things lol, so go on get in touch

all of the above demonstrate a few key learnings: a) a man has been around the internet dating block often enough to make him deeply cynical and jaded; b) a man has so little to lose that he has decided there is no harm in holding out for a devout supermodel/rocket scientist that loves all the same things he does and has been saving herself just for him; and c) he has discovered his own "hotness quotient" by the kinds of women that contact him (i.e. they are the female equivalent of him: around his age, maybe carrying a few extra pounds, training for the ironman competition has not been their life's goal) and is in complete denial. the last one is just gross (i wonder if a man who would write that would actually walk up to a total stranger and say it?)

avoid all three at all costs.

so be warned... there ARE some lovely men out there, but if you are able to spot the landmines, you can avoid having your legs blown off.