SO not a morning person doesn't BEGIN to describe me

school days are brutal. mornings simply aren't my friend.

bleary eyed and groggy, i awake to a scratchy wet tongue in my ear. for a moment i think i am back in bed with my ex, but then i realize its one of my cats, deciding that since its 5:30am, breakfast is long overdue.

i slip out of bed an manage to get my slippers onto my feet. it is enough for me at this point that i am simply wearing one per foot - getting them on the correct foot is beyond me.

yawning and scratching bits of me that really only get a good scratching once a day (oh, too much information, annie!!!!! - ed), i stagger to the kitchen and succeed in putting the kettle on. i grab a cup from the drying board, pry open one sticky eye to determine its relative cleanliness and pour one shake of coffee into it, two shakes of low-fat creamer and 36 shakes of sugar into the mug as the kettle boils. i manage to pour most of the water into the cup and retreat to the bathroom, biting down on my tongue to keep myself from screaming in horror at the zombie staring back at me from the mirror. taking a few deep breaths, i take a closer look and realize that the cherry-red of my eyes actually compliments the dead fish pallor of my skin in the early morning light.

only careful planning allows me to succesfully navigate the shower. after an unfortunate mix up a few months ago involving hair remover, a bottle of apple cider vinegar and a sea-sponge loofah, i have learned to keep these potentially deadly objects separated in the stall.

considering how tired i am, i decide to take very quick shower, shortening my regular beauty routine down to the barest of necessities: pre-shampoo colour lock treatment, hydrating extra-volume fortifying vitamin-enriched shampoo, deep-treating shine enhancing volumizing conditioner, apres-bain shimmer guard keratin-replacement therapy anti-dandruff split end repair gel, lavender and cucumber body wash, apricot and dead-sea-salt exfoliant, foot pummice, cuticle softener, in-shower hydrating skin conditioner, lilac baby-oil gel treatment for-elbows-and-knees, retinol and collagen firming creme with infused oxygen cellulite fix, and essence of orange blossom aromatherapy invigorator.

climbing out of the bath, i grab my hairbrush, apply toothpaste liberally and shave my legs with it. drying off, i apply deodorant to all the parts that really need it, and a few that might, and one that usually doesn't (but i have a busy day ahead of me.)

throwing on some clothes, it only takes me a few minutes to determine that the awkward, though oddly intruiging pinching sensation means i've put my bra on backwards, and i manage to find a pair of socks that match in colour, even though one comes up to just below my knee and the other barely covers my ankle.

i throw together some lunch and take very special care to ensure that this time the beef curry and the chocolate pudding remain in separate containers, then its out the door and into the most perfect autumn day imaginable, and i heave a sigh of relief that i have successfully navigated yet another hectic morning.

and i am not bothered for a moment by the fact the neighbours are all staring at me.....