a return to HELL

i did it.

today, i returned to hell.

and why?

well, because they had canned meat on special, and what red blooded, all-canadian, slightly-australian-at-heart, sort-of-amazon woman doesn't love canned meat???

it was a fateful decision, and i should have know that my gluttony would have dire consequences.

but erring on side of caution as i entered the gates of hades, i asked for directions to the tinned meat aisle at the customer service desk and was immediately provided with a packet that contained a compass, a bottle of water, a packet of t-rations, a first aid kit, flares, GPS tracker and three surettes of morphine all marked "compliments of the real canadian superstore" and so armed, i set off following the explicit directions i'd been given:

"just head down this aisle and turn left when you see the blue bin full of two-for-one anti-fungal cream. keep going straight around the pharmacy and when you see the dairy section in the distance, turn left and keep going to the waiting room at the end. when you see a guy named murray, ask him to point it out to you..."

it was virtually inevitable that i would get lost the moment i passed the big screen tvs. see, like most canadians i am easily distracted by bright shiny things that go *ping!*, *bleep* and *whoot! whoot! whoot!*

dazed and a bit bewildered, and taking a right when i should have taken a left, i soon realized my mistake.



dammit! i thought. this is the scuba-diving aisle! there's no canned meat here!

quickly doubling back, i swerved to avoid the screaming toddler in the kayak and ducked quickly into a shadowy side alley. slowly looking around me, i realized with mounting distress just HOW wrong a turn it had been.....



backing slowly towards the bright lights of central highway, i searched the skies frantically to find an aisle..any aisle... that would cleanse my mind of the horror i'd just seen. there! to my left! a display!

it said... free bloo... free blood!!!

my God, i thought. they really DO carry everything here, and their specials are fantastic!!

but then i got closer:



realizing that if i actually did attempt to check my blood pressure at this point i'd likely blow the machine to bits (and i think this store may have a "you break it you bought it" policy and "what would i do with a broken automated sphignomanometer (now cut that out! - ed ) in my little apartment?") so i moved hastily on to........

the superhero aisle!!



superheroes were just what i needed to wipe the thought of adult incontinence and sky high systolic pressure (i said CUT THAT OUT! - ed) out of my mind's eye, i thought, so i walked slowly down the superhero aisle, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth until both my sense of purpose and equilibrium had returned. i needed canned meat, i reminded myself, and any further deviation from my purpose could cost me dearly.

i decided to press on.

swerving hard right into the produce aisle, i fully intended to lose myself in the verdant peace of leafy greens and root vegetables until i could regroup and get my bearings, maybe take a GPS reading or two. but my relief soon turned to deep unease as i looked around me and realized that i couldn't identify a significant number of the vegetables on display.




i have no clue what these are, but i bought two as they were on special:



i tucked them into my rucksack, deciding that if i ever made it back to civilization i would either try to eat them or wait for them to evolve into a dominant species. but as made my bewildered way to the far side of the produce aisle - lured by the bright shiny lights of the bath and bedroom department -frustration, hopelessness and a touch of fear began to colour my soul. i was lost, and i was scared, and if i was going to get out of this alive, i needed a plan.

crouching down behind the arugula, i uncorked the bottle of water and took a generous swig, then ripped into a packet of rations as i considered my next move. chewing mindlessly, like an automaton, i realized that logic wasn't going to help me. i needed another way out, so, with little to lose, i gave myself over to the power of the universe.

going purely on intuition, like a bee returning to the hive, like an ant finding its way back to the nest, like a man fishing the last piece of weiner out of the baked beans, i struck out into the wilderness, twisting and turning through aisle after aisle, seeking potted meat.

i veered past bathtowels and raffia baskets, iPods and basket balls, self-inflating life rafts, roach spray, plumbing supplies and three-per-package cotton underpants with reinforced gussets (gussets??); caromed past fourteen aisles of cleaning products, screeched past three ladies offering samples of maple cured ham (what disease does maple cure? - ed), peanut-butter-and-bacon crackers and genuine mongolian kefir, i and finally ground to a halt somewhere in the subtropical rainforest located between the food court and indoor carpets.



i paused only long enough to channel my psychosis into a helpess pachysandra



... before pushing off to catching my breath in the replica of MOMA that housed the supermarket's fine art collection.



then, in the pinata aisle, i realized i was coming unglued as i paused to toy with the idea of filling them with wasps.

what fun that would be! i thought, tears springing to my eyes...

steady, annie! i thought, stay frosty... if you die in here you'll NEVER eat canned meat again!

a sob escaped me as i sank to the floor, my butt resting against the harsh, unforgiving linoleum of the floor, the gentle crinkle of the directions i'd been given rustling gently in my pocket.

i froze, my heart hammering in my chest like... umm... a hammer.

the instructions!!! of course! i thought, bursting into gales of hysterical laughter. pulling the paper out i let my eyes caress the page, drinking in the words that were my salvation. no work of shakespeare could have sounded sweeter to human ears.

"just head down this aisle and turn left when you see the blue bin full of two-for-one anti-fungal cream. keep going straight around the pharmacy and when you see the dairy section in the distance, turn left and keep going to the waiting room at the end. when you see a guy named murray, ask him to point it out to you..."

raising my eyes ever so slighty upwards i saw it, like a vision of the madonna. suffused in a golden glow i beckoned to me, lifting my to my feet and guiding me gently forwards, my hand reaching out to carress its sleek, navy lines.... thank God, i thought, thank God:

the blue bin full of two-for-one anti-fungal cream!!!! and there, beyond it, THE PHARMACY!!!

i tore off at full tilt, knocking over display pyramids of creamed corn, a forty-five foot tower of cheerios and a hindu grandmother. i rocketed through the dairy aisle, cream cheese, yogurt and small-curd cottage cheese a creamy blur as i saw it: the waiting room!

saying a quick prayer for the single lost soul that seemed to have been sitting there since the store opened last week, waiting for something that she couldn't name, i grabbed the nearest pimply teenager in a real canadian superstore ball cap by the lapels, and i hauled him upwards until his feet dangled three inches off the floor and slammed him against the wall as i breathed fire and brimstone in his face.

murray! i hissed... where's MURRAY?????

terror stricken, his eyes bugging out of his head, he lifted his shaking finger and pointed to the seafood section.

"murray," he gasped, "customer service... white guy... black eyes... bald...."

sweat stinging my eyes, i dropped the little punk to the floor and tore of towards murray, confident that canned meat only moments away. every sense on the alert, i scanned the section for murray... white guy... black eyes... bald.... echoing through my head until i spied him.

murray.

customer service. pale guy... black eyes... bald...

MURRAY!!!!

... to be cont'd...