the joys of internet dating: part the eighth

"now you have found him never let him go"

so, you have spent days, weeks, months trawling through site after site, profile after profile, email after email.

you have made contact with well over a hundred people. some of them have been nice, some have been insane, some have been online casinos in disguise.

you have discovered that meeting people over the internet is rather like walking into a crowded room of random strangers; there are those that are funny and engaging, those that are are as dull as a bag of hammers, those that smell like cheese. you begin to make connections with a wide variety of individuals, and engage in the process of "getting to know them".

one or two begin to emerge from the pack.

so you exchange emails, photos, phone numbers. you discover that you have been fortunate enough to connect with several lovely people - all of whom merit further attention. you feel very lucky, very privileged; you've managed to avoid the homicidal stalkers, the gold diggers, the con men and the involuntarily incarcerated.

but eventually, one of these lovely people begins to stand out. you can't quite put your finger on it - all the people you have chosen to correspond with are intelligent, funny, Godly, charming and so on and so forth - but there is something very, very special about this one man, you soon come to realize.

maybe its because he is the smartest man you've ever met.

maybe its because he carries himself with a confidence and quiet good humour that you find utterly devastating.

maybe its because he is a man who gives you the sense that he will take you by the hand and be your friend, your teacher, your playmate, your loving critic, your confidant, your rock and your partner in ministry.

maybe its because he is an amazing writer, and his work just blows you away.

or maybe its because he has broad shoulders, dark curly hair; deep, incredibly intense hazel-and-grey eyes, a strong jawline and a wicked, impish smile... (annie... hello annie??? get a grip girlfriend! - ed)

oh, who knows??? could be anything, you know?

but its his email you wait for each morning, simply because you have discovered that exploring his mind is your greatest pleasure; its his phonecalls you schedule your evenings around because the sound of his voice does something .. wonderful... to you; its his photos that you begin to carry around with you because his eyes make you ...tingle; and its his name that begins to creep into your conversation as a new, long-absent half-smile settles itself permanently around your lips.

well, ok. this is good. this is very good, as a matter of fact.

you've found him: the one that made it all worthwhile, the one that made every last dating disaster worth the pulitzer prize winning blog entry (yeah, right - ed)

good for you!

NOW WHAT?????

well, people crazy enough to read my drivel my loyal fans, this is why i began this neopseudoencyclical missive (cut that out!!! - ed) in the first place, because having been down this road before, i actually think i might have something useful to say on the subject.

you need to trust me when i tell you that you can indeed meet that very special person online, just as easily as you can in church, at work or in central booking; you simply have to follow a few simple guidelines to get you over the unique dangers of falling in love with someone far away in time and space...

first, remember that with a long-distance relationships comes a heavy measure of fantasy - but that does not mean that you have to give in to it. be very leery of creating your ideal love in your head an hanging it on the very good-looking man that's just sent you his photo. do him the courtesy of getting to know him as he is, not as you want him to be (and of course, offer him the same kindness), and always be prepared to

a) back away when it becomes apparent that he might not be who you thought he was
b) allow yourself to take one step closer to him each time he shows you that he just might be

second, listen to him - really listen to what he says, and try not to read what you want to hear into it. if he's who you think he is, he will be more fascinating and intriguing than anything you could possibly make up yourself.

third, be VERY leery of immediate declarations of undying love and marriage plans. it is worth waiting to see if he lives in the real world, has got a good head on his shoulders, his feet on the ground and healthy dose of common sense.

fourth, don't be afraid to slowly share things with him, and see how he reacts to your revelations: is he supportive of you? is he interested in what you are interested in? is he kind and good humoured about your less-than-perfect moments? does he offer you his own surface vulnerabilities and less-than-ideal moments in return, and are they things you can accept, laugh with him about and support him in?

fifth, ask yourself ~ do you share a common aesthetic? do you see the world the same way? share the same values? are you both devoted christians? vegetarians? members of amnesty international? do you both agree about which parts of the body should be hairless and which should not? or that yoko ono music is just weird?

sixth, take a long hard look in the mirror: do you like who you are when you are with him? does his care, encouragement and presence in your life improve it, and you? do your friends say things like "He better be good to you. I think he is. You know how I know???? Come on, ask me. Something in you has changed. You seem more like the old Andrea I knew who was self-assured, confident, brilliant, and all that other good stuff. It's like you got ok with being yourself again. And it's not so much anything I can put my finger on, but you just seem more sure of yourself. And that's always a good thing. Ya know?"

seventh, ask yourself, do you fit into each other's lives? and always bear in mind that love - real love - is never about two people alone. it is about the blending of two worlds: is his a world in which you can live happily ever after? is his a world you can take, in its entirety, into your heart? do you think his child is really cool and can you respect the way he is raising him? will he be able to withstand more than an hour in the car with your mother? is there a crazy aunt on either side of your family that that no-one talks about who is 73 and still single, who has saved every newspaper ever printed since 1976 and lives with forty-two cats?

eighththth (?), be patient. take the time to talk to him, hear him out, ask him questions. go sloooooowly, give him the space and time to ask himself the same questions about you. be prepared if his answers differ, and he comes to the natural conclusion that you are as crazy as a loon. don't begin planning the wedding and naming the children until after at least the fourth email.

ninth, take the time to discover the most critical thing of all: do you make each other laugh? do you part feeling better than you did when you came together? do you look forward to spending time with him because you know your face will ache from smiling when you say goodnight?

and tenth, make sure he looks good in a bathtowel.

these are things you can discover from afar. you do not need to touch, kiss or bump nasties to find these things out about a person. you can explore, discover and fall in love with his soul from a world away if he lets you in....

and if all of these criteria are met, then for heavens sake, don't be afraid to take that next, tiny step over the edge of that cliff....