and they wonder what is wrong with the women of today??

all i wanted was shampoo.

for a man, this is a simple, straightforward endeavour that requires nothing more of him than he walk into his local drugstore and pick up a bottle of something called "shampoo".

for a woman, its just not that simple.

you see, as a woman "nearing middle age" (as a charming internet suitor put it), i find that my natural "deep chestnut #14" locks are at once a bit dry, a bit oily, slighty curly but mostly straight, a bit frizzy, dry at the ends, oily at the roots, and not as shiny and luxuriant as they were when i was 21.

so clearly, mere "shampoo" will not suffice.

well, i watch tv - i know there are products out there that can make me look like penelope cruz, so i stopped into the drugstore today to find the right shampoo for me.

the first bottle i spied seemed perfect! it promised to maintain my hair's healthy balance with a deep clean that left my hair with a moisturized, healthy feel and a lustrous shine from root to tip.

excellent! i thought. that's just what i need.

but right next to it was a bottle that would also give me the smooth, lustrous look i wanted. it's provitamin enriched conditioners would align every strand of hair and leave me with a healthy vibrant shine. it offered to calm unruly frizz for me, and leave my style manageable, sleek and beautiful.

ok, i thought, sleek and beautiful is good. i want sleek and beautiful...

but then i spotted another bottle. well, this one had a collection of uplifters and body builders that would work together to give me the gravity-defying height and handfuls of hair i crave. it had built-in lightweight structurizing conditioners to cleanse each strand to add fullness and volume!!

yes! ok. i said to myself. i want properly aligned handfuls of gravity defying hair! i mean, who doesn't??

but wait! this bottle over here offered me the easy way to create straight hair without resorting to extreme measures! it had been scientifically proven to make my hair up to three times straighter after only three washes so it looks defined and manageable!

dear Lord, i prayed, THANK YOU for giving me a way to make my hair look defined and manageable! i could feel the spirit moving in me and my knees began to tremble ever so slightly.

CALM DOWN, said a booming voice from the sky. REMEMBER, YOUR HAIR IS A LITTLE BIT CURLY AND GETS FRIZZY WHEN ITS HUMID OUT.

chastened, and more than a bit confused as to why the Lord might now be giving me advice on hair care products when He really should be paying more attention to the crisis in the middle east, i put down the bottles i was holding and instead reached for the shampoo that would give me up to 80% more defined curls.

80% more defined curls!!! wow....who knew such a thing was even possible? i thought tremously.

for a blissful moment i closed my eyes and pictured myself with the springy ringlets, flowing waves and big, bouncy curls the bottle promised me. i could hear violins in the background and the smell of vanilla hung in the air.

but then cruel reality set in and i remembered that my hair was also colour treated. there would be no high-definition curls that look natural, feel conditioned and responded to styling for me, sadly. so, with a heavy heart, i turned to the "colour therapy" section to find something that would help me preserve the vibrant, healthy look of the shade that i had so carefully selected.

now, apparently a foundation of vibrant, healthy colour reflects a fearless spirit, so i decided to go with a fearless shampoo that woud enhance my hair's beautiful colour even as it attended to the damage caused by daily styling.

then i checked myself.

not good enough i thought. i want something to protect, enhance and prolong my natural, highlighted or coloured hair dammit!

and, like an answer to a prayer, there it was: a shampoo with a non-depositing formula that also contained natural extracts to aid in colour retention that would help shield my hair against damaging elements, mineral deposits, and residues while adding shine and multi-dimensional tones and reducing discolouration!!!

distantly, i could hear angels singing....

my vision blurred as tears of joy flooded my eyes, but i reached out and accidentally grabbed the wrong bottle. brushing away the moisture from my cheeks, i discovered i was holding a bottle of daily moisture renewal, which guaranteed to rejuvenate my hair and protect it from future damage by sealing the shaft of the hair with TEN TIMES the protection for split ends!!!

dear Lord...i'd forgotten about split ends! i realized, feeling the first icy tendrils of fear beginning to work their way into my bones.

but what about my oily scalp? i thought, breaking into a cold sweat. i could feel panic beginning to take control of me... what about that???

teering on the edge of hysteria, i flung down the bottle of daily moisture renewal and seized on the miracle clarifying product that was my best defense against oily, limp and dull hair! this product had BC89 technology that would remove everyday buildup and styling residues that would leave my hair feeling clean, refreshed and renewed. it had surfactants!!!!!

shaking, dizzy and feeling as though the walls were closing in on me, i tried to stay focused, beating back the terror that threatened to consume my very being.

stay frosty, annie, i whispered to myself, don't lose it on me now, girl...hang in there baby girl....

licking my parched lips and squeezing my eyes shut, i tried to concentrate.

did i want my hair gently cleansed or moisturized? did i want straight, sleek hair or hydrated curls? volume or clarity??? did i protect my colour, or defend against the elements??? how could i best go about getting my hair aligned?? what about the BC89 techolgy and the surfactants???? and dear God what about my oily scalp?????



on the bright side, the nice men in the white coats here say i should be ready to go home in a few days....