forgetness
even now, months after we split, my ex continues to play childish power games with me. his current favourite is an email version of "ding dong ditch"..... and i am forced to examine the question:
can you truly forgive someone you still love?
do you need to forget the terrible things he did to you in order to forgive him?
and if you forget the terrible things he did to you, does that not pave the way for falling in love with him all over again?
and if you fall in love with him all over again, will you not have your heart ripped once more from your chest because you have forgotten all the terrible things he did to you, and is still capable of?
BUT, if you deliberately remember all the terrible things he did to you, does that not keep alive the anger and resentment that is the roadblock to forgiveness?
where is the balance? how does one extend forgiveness, but not forgetness?
posted by AMackid at 9:52 AM
16 Comments:
I am not one who is able to really understand the love for another whom is not your relative, but I can offer my perspective from what I've seen.
I don't know if you can ever escape still loving him, but if you can, I'm sure it will take time. Whatever those terrible things he's done might be, look inside yourself to forgive him, if possible, and go from there.
If you find yourself wanting to fall back in love with him, remind yourself of what he did, and truly think about would it be worth it to give him another chance? That question you will have to answer for yourself, no one else can answer that for you.
Forgiveness and not forgetness....Well, this may be a bad comparison, but I'm going to compare this to my relationship with my father. Yes, he has not even tryed to make contact with me in 9 years, yes he wasn't always around when I was very little, yes he was the reason my parents divorced, but as I've talked to him a few times over the phone, i've come to realize that he's always loved me, deep down, and I've come to realize that yes, I've always loved him. I've found it within myself the ability to forgive him, and even though I'm younger, I have to be the adult in the relationship because he cannot.
There is no way to come to this balance. You just have to find it within yourself. Do something where you can just think long, hard, and deeply about you and him and your relationship. Take a walk, sit alone in a quiet room, just do whatever you need to so you can just think, think, and not worry. Just let your mind wander wherever it wants to, let yourself be overwhelmed with a combination of emotions, you may find yourself crying histarically one moment and content the next, just let yourself feel whatever emotions you need to. If you continue to do this, you will eventually come to that balance you strive for, it may take a long time, but I can promise you it will come if you let it.
somedays i have trouble believing you are a teenager..... ;-)
nice to see you back, army boy;-) you've been missed.
and thank you for the deep thinks. one day, we'll fill each other in!
thank you, b. that was something i hadn't thought of.... i must go ponder what you have said.
thank you :)
BTW, posts like the ones here make me glad i screw up the nerve to get so very personal, because you all give me so much to think about.....
we seem to be in the same boat. infuriating things, men are. i've forgiven, (he's a bastard but i forgive him), but i can't forget him. curse the man, i can't forget him.
Hi. Yeah, other people have said things like that about me, and it's been both good and also a problem in my life....I guess it's because I've had to learn to deal with nearly everything on my own...And just with everything I was forced to grow up fast, somedays I feel too fast...So, I don't know really, I guess it's just the way things are with me, and I'll have to accept the good and the bad, just like everyone else.
Oh, and thanks for taking a look at my blog! :)
Lizz, I am sooo with you on this one. I think there will always be someone in our lives that we have this issue with, unfortunately. There are just some not very nice people on this bouncy ball we live on.
Here's my take on it.
There are three major players in my forgiveness/hate/love thing. My dad, who I still have yet to forgive for the horrible things he has done and continues to do to me, and my ex-husband and his ex-girlfriend. Long story short, my then husband tried desperately to hide the fact that he had gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant and she finally confronted me about it and I lost everything I had over it. We were married when I finally found out, and from there it was just a bunch of lies and heartache. I actually tried to commit suicide when he left me with a newborn two years later. Now that I look back, I know that it's my daughter who saved me. But anyway, that all happened over eight years ago. I am just - JUST - getting to the point where I can almost forgive him. And of course I loved him deeply - when he left I was heartbroken. But now I can truthfully say that I do NOT love him. Not even a speck. I will always be glad that I got my little girl from him, but I do not have to be so angry anymore over what happened. I'd like to say that there was a crucial moment where I was able to forgive him, but it's been a series of steps: I've forced myself to try to be the bigger person in a number of circumstances and I can tell you that it helped for me. And I'm not one to be the bigger person, believe me!
I wrote a long letter to his ex-girlfriend on my blog a while back. And it literally shut the door on my even thinking about her and the problems she seemed to have caused.
So after all this rambling, I sum it up with this: it's an enormous struggle, one that I still grapple with today, but forgiveness comes. Eventually. As long as you work hard at it and don't give up. I'm still working on forgiving my dad, but we'll see.....
I wish you quick healing. :0)
I just called you Lizz.
Sorry 'bout that! Blog jumping makes me dizzy. ;0P
thank you for that, corn child, that can't have been easy to share. but your thoughts are appreciated.
and i am flattered to be called lizz - i only WISH i was that smart and gorgeous!
oh wow... this was just emailed to me by a very dear, VERY smart friend in the US: "Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself. Forgetfulness is the gift you give to them." THAT'S an incredible insight.. but she has always been the wisest woman i know, and the one i turn to for advice...
no, i don't have her express permission to post it. but what i DO have is infinite faith in her ability/ willingness to come to canada and kick my ass if she objects :)
Yes, it is...wow! What a statement to contemplate and ponder...hmm...
oh, pinfeathers, annie.
i am neither smart nor gorgeous, however much i aspire to be.
but you can say im so all you like. :D
p.s. whoever told you that forgiveness is the gift you give yourself, and forgetfulness is the gift you give them should have a nobel peace prize, an emmy, a grammy, an oscar, a pulitzer, and a gold star on their report card. that right there is brilliance.
Forgiveness or forgetness?
Never play games, nor allow yourself to be 'played'.
Passive aggressive playtime usually merits consistent use of a really brief message, on a really brief answering machine, for a really brief time.
Then the rest is up to you...
But: consider this.
Any man who would futz YOU around is a fool.
The gavel has fallen; the verdict is in. Let it be written. Let it be done.
the HAMMER!
oh you lovely hammer you! yes, his hobby is occasionally 'futzing me around'. see, apparently his email only goes one way..... ;)
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