the joys of internet dating: part the fifth

one of the great perils of being attracted to older men is that not only do they have things going for them that younger men don't, they are also carrying weighty baggage that younger men have yet to accumulate.

by the time i meet them, the men i am attracted to are usually so bruised, so emotionally battered and so gun-shy that they are unwilling to take yet another chance on happiness.

when a man is young, he has an optimistm about him that is, in its own way, irresistable. he is strong, fearless and adventurous, confident in his abilities to meet life's challenges head on and overcome them. when life hands a younger man lemons, he bellies up to the bar and demands salt and tequila.

when a man has reached just past his middle years, he once more adopts a spirit of adventure and a willingness to tackle life's challenge head on. why? because he realizes that time is running out. he looks behind him and sees a longer road than the one ahead of him. he sees all the turnoffs he didn't take, all the paths he didn't follow, all the avenues he declined to explore. he begins to live with a zest he never imagined possible. he realizes that just because one parachute has failed to open, you don't stop pulling the ripcord.

sadly, i am exclusively attracted to the demographic that falls between the two extremes: the man in his mid-to-late forties.

men like this are truly in their prime: they are strong; all the softness of the boy in them has been erased save from their souls. they have raised a family, owned (and in many cases) lost a home and a life, are rebuilding and re-examining their path. watching the ferocity and passion they apply to rebuilding fractured lives, damaged credit and shattered frienships is a joy. they have been shaped by time and experience, they are generally exquisite lovers (trust me on this one, ladies) and they still have all their own hair and most of their teeth.

what's not to love about a man like that?

and yet, they are likely to have been spat out from a nasty divorce, and flung themselves headlong into dating without understanding the players, the playing field, or in many cases, even the rules of the game.

they get hurt.

more often than not, they end up dating somebody else's ex wife. they stick their fingers in the fire - delighted that there is a place for them in front of the fireplace - and burn their fingers. they throw themselves into the extravagance of fantasies they were not permitted while married, and are devastated when their dreams turn to dust.

they become wary, leery, guarded.

i only know two men in their forties that have avoided this trap - and in many ways, they are my heroes. they give me comfort that one day there will be a man that will realize the advantages to dating a woman that's never been married, has no children, and is ten years younger than he is: we're not bitter, we think his kids are cool, we haven't spent 20 years married to a ba$tard like him, we still believe in love and marriage, we don't think he looks like an idiot when he borrows his teenage son's jacket, we are not after him to replace the life we lost through our own divorce, we have no kids get him to provide for, and we have a limitless capacity to be proud of him and show him off to all our friends.

now to find a guy that can appreciate those advantages and marry that them to a spirit of adventure, a refusal to be brutalized by life's vagaries, and a sense that now that they have indeed reached their prime - well, to a man like that, the world is truly his oyster.....