my blog, my rules

no humour, just musing aloud here.... feel free to weigh in.

someone that i wanted to become much closer to in brisbane sent me this in reply to my suggestion that he run off with me: "I cant get away from the fact defined from poor experiences over the net, that a person has to be here, in person, insitu, to be sort of sure that one want to develop a relationship that ultimately could involve dangly bits. I am overwhelmingly convinced that you, as a beautiful woman, have overt and secret admirers a’plenty. Explore them."

well, i know a polite brush-off when i hear it, and that's fine. i am a big girl - i can take it.

but the world pivots on the whim of God. last week, i didn't expect to be in brisbane for at least two years. yesterday, i got an offer that has shortened that to about 6 - 9 months. but what to do about a remarkable opportunity such as this?

something profound occurred to me over the course of the last few months, and i have four men to thank for it:

one man pointed out (and i posted it previously here) that the march of time is relentless. if you don't seize your dreams when you have the chance, they will slip irrecoverably through your fingers.

two men in their forties have shown me that in no uncertain terms by the way they live their own lives. i have watched them let so many chances at happiness slip through their fingers. i have listened to them whinge and moan about how they always end up "the losers" in life, never once for a moment facing the fact that their misery is a result of their choosing to be one of "life's passengers" instead of one of life's "instigators", as my beloved friend chris calls them. they are clueless.

and then there is chris: he is soon to turn sixty, and has finally realized that when you have a chance at love - or any kind of happiness - you grab it, hold onto it, nurture it, never put it off because it isn't the flawless pearl you'd once dreamed of. he has realized that as you get older, there are fewer and fewer opportunities for joy - and that if God miraculously gives you a chance, TAKE IT. don't wait to see if there might be something more perfect around the next corner.

chris is how i want to live my life. there will be obstacles; they can be overcome. there will be mistakes made; they can be rectified. it will not be perfect; i never asked for perfect. but i don't want to wait until i'm sixty to figure this out.

so i am going to brisbane next year to study for a semester, for no other reason than i want to, and that God has given me an opportunity that while not perfect, is more than i had last week: there is no special man there waiting for me, no great human love affair to be consumated. i am going simply as a student, to study and work, to hang out with friends i have been too long separated from, to see the country, to meet people in the church and to make contacts there so that when i do immigrate permanently, job applications will not be met with a puzzled "who is this person?"

there will be challenges: money, the competing imperatives of the diocese of toronto and the diocese of brisbane, the... umm... oh, ok, those are the only challenges.... and neither is insurmountable.

for many years, caring for my mum has forced me to be "one of life's passengers", but the older i get the more soul-destroying that becomes. so, i will find a way to both care for a wonderful mother, and still live my own life on my own terms while i am still young enough to enjoy it.