you absolutely cannot make this stuff up....

i begin understand why men on internet dating sites are jaded and cynical about meeting a "real" woman with whom they can connect... if what women on dating sites are approaching men with is half as disheartening as some of what is landing in my email box is (and yes i just ended a sentence with a preposition thankyouverymuch).... well, gentlemen, my heart goes out to you.

so in the interests of venus and mars reaching some sort of detente, i am going to peel back the curtain to allow the gentlemen a peek into what drives a woman with 2.1 brain cells (that occassionally come into contact with one another) up the wall...

worst pick up approaches ever (all of these are actually taken from emails/profiles online)

• the text message: "how r u i am in london uk pls reply". if you are unable to write in complete sentences, perhaps a meeting forum that relies on functional literacy is not the ideal choice for you?

• discussing your genitals, sexual prowess or "openness to new sexual experiences" in your introduction and/or profile. "I dress nice, great style and I'm hung like a horse" when i read things like that, i need a bath. you wouldn't walk up to a total stranger at a party and begin discussing your junk; why would you do it here?

• the cheap bar pick-up line: "You sure are a cute Kittie. How are you doing tonight." i am never sure what to do with a line like that. do i say "fine thank you", and leave it at that? or do i invite further conversation by adding additional detail? "great thank you. i was just reading a fascinating online treatise on karl barth's church dogmatics and it's relationship to a wesleyan reading of neibuhr's theology, while listening to csi and partitioning my hard drive. how are you?

• the hardcore, bitter profile: "** READ EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK OF SENDING ME ANYTHING !!!*** (i am really tired of this...), IF YOU HAVE NO PIC DO NOT BOTHER ME. ALSO< I AM NOT INTERESTED IN RUSSIAN (euroasian) WOMEN!!!! Ok, buhbye." exactly what type of woman do these men think they will be attracting??

• people who couldn't be arsed to read your profile: "Hi, my name is DXXX. I would LOVE to get to know you better!" i wrote back "you want to hook up with a priest that is moving to australia?" this was the actual reply: "ha ha, you northern people are SO CHARMING. I grew up in Minnesota, so I know how charming you can be. It must be a lack of sunlight that makes you that way, or maybe it is the cold weather? Maybe I am TOO good looking for you? Ya, I definetly think that is it! Your northern charm is just like the ice rinks that you play hockey on up there, your charm is as cold as ice. Maybe you are insecure about yourself? Or maybe you are just frigid? Ya, that is it. You are frigid! The next time someone tells you that you are "pretty" the proper response is "Thank You." You should learn some manners before you move to Australia, they won't take too kindly to your Northern Charm. Cool?"
gentlemen, if you aren't taking your medication regularly, you probably shouldn't be trying to pick up women....

• casanove: "I wil love you as gently as the first rays of the sun coming over the hilltops to slowly lighten the world. I will love you as gently as the touch of a butterfly on a flower petal. I will kiss you as sweetly as a drop of honey dropping off a honeycomb into your hungry mouth. I will hold you close, gently stroking your chest, your back, your belly, your private places... to build up your desire, and unleash your passion. hugs and kisses"

woo-hoo! what ever happened to "i read your profile and _____ really caught me. you say you are _____? that's really interesting and i think we'd have a lot to talk about because _______"

now THAT'S a hook with a worm still wriggling on the end of it!