through my eyes

the jews teach that God does not allow any child to be born unless it has a mate. now, there are those might ask "what about those that spend their lives alone?" well, the midrash has many answers for that, but the basic principle is that every creature has its partner.

i had to wait 37 years for bruce, and it was worth every moment. i had to go through a ridiculous number of relationships that were very, very bad (likely because i am a very, very slow learner), and yet each of these experiences was worth it because through them i have learned profound lessons that have allowed me to truly appreciate this man in a way that i would not have been able to before.

you see, today is the happiest day of the year for me. it is bruce's birthday.

today, i am celebrating. no, strike that - today i am rejoicing!

i've often mentioned bruce in my writing. some of you have met him here as "oz_broooster", and come to enjoy his thoughtful, insightful and often hilarious commentary. in the better part of a year we've known one another he's become the pivot around which my life and my future revolve - and the reason that many of you have very kindly and very generously sent out internet "search parties" to see if i'd dropped off the face of the earth. but while i have alluded to him on many occassions, and expressed my feelings for him ad nauseam, i haven't actually taken the time to introduce you to the man that i know, the man that is different from every other man i have ever known; the man that i have waited 37 years for; and no, i am not going to gush - i'd simply like to lay out why it is that bruce is unlike anyone i've ever been in a relationship with, and why it is that so many of you - even without meeting him directly - can sense that he's "a keeper".

now i am not going tell you how wonderful, smart, sexy, intelligent, clever, sensuous, passionate, funny and sweet he is. while those things are all entirely true; as it was once pointed out to me, those are things that i have said about previous lovers. no, i will only leave here, as a testament, the things about bruce that set him apart from the others.

bruce has made himself into a remarkable man. oh, he assures me that there was a time when he was not nearly as refined as the man i have come to know and love, but unlike other men that i have known who simply talk about the need for self-improvement in the abstract, bruce has intentionally undertaken a difficult spiritual journey that has involved an enormous amount of candor, self-reflection and analysis; and an active, determined drive to change those parts of him, as best as he can, that do not adhere to God's law and intentions, and basic human decency.

his overall character is immensely likable - indeed, before i ever realized that i loved him, i liked him tremendously and quickly came to consider him a close and dear friend - someone that i knew i'd enjoy hanging out with; someone that fits the australian definition of "a mate" as i have come to understand it. my earliest impressions were simply of how much i enjoyed his company, his fierce intelligence, his conversation, his openness and affability. he has a very welcoming, confident presence about him; he gives one the impression that he is comfortable inside his own skin, and that when he looks in the mirror, he likes what he sees. yet for all of that, he is no proverbial "nice guy": he's no pushover. there's an edge to him, a darkness and a danger that lurks not too far below the surface. he gives the you sense that he is a man that can inflict serious hurt, but lives each moment intentionally choosing not to; choosing to live in kindness and gentleness instead.

bruce has made himself into a man of great integrity. he's a man that is up front about what he'll do, and he does what he says he will. while he is a man of great creativity, he is not one prone to idle flights of fancy: when he gets it into his head that he wants something, he is able to apply common sense, determination and focus to the problem. he has worked as hard as i have to make both our dream come true: it is bruce that has been doing most of the legwork on how it is that i can transfer schools and immigrate.

he has a mind like lightning - powerful, incisive, and one that is sometimes prone to zig-zagging about madly - and to me, that is a characteristic i couldn't live without in a partner. i have had relationships with men who were funny, clever, and good with words - but bruce goes beyond simply amusing: he has genuine wit; and his gift with wordplay is remarkable. he can begin a pun in one paragraph, divert your attention like a magician for another two or three, change direction once or twice then slip you the punchline when you least expect it, and still have it all make delightful sense. the impact of his gift with words often leaves me breathless with laughter.

he has the strong heart and loving soul of a pastor - his friends come to him for support, advice, caring and someone who will give up important parts of his day to be there for another. i have never once known him to begrudge this, though sometimes it has cost him time out of his own busy day.

and the one thing that amazes me above all: he has the ability to bring out the best in people. i am a testament to that. having been with someone that brought out the absolute worst in me, i am simpy astounded at the person i am with bruce. people have commented on it: i am told i seem more relaxed and happier; i have been told that i too, seem to be very comfortable inside my own skin, that i smile constantly, that there is a glow about me. my own mother tells me i have become more patient, approachable and open. old friends i run into ask me what's changed; tell me i seem "different", and that they like the change, whatever it is. this has only come about since meeting bruce. he makes me feel safe, protected, cared for, respected and supported. even when he disagrees with a course of action i have chosen, he is open to hearing my reasoning, is willing to reflect on it and remind me that i already know that whatever i choose, he will be behind me 100%.

now, as some people have seen elsewhere in cyberspace, it doesn't mean that my tolerance for B/S has been upped by so much as a decimal point; but this is a man so sure of God's guiding, steadying hand in our lives that he can look me in the eye and say "baby, don't you think i know what you are capable of? and don't think for a moment that is diminishes my love for you at all." he inspires my faith, guides me deeper into a life in Christ - he has become my guide, my partner, my best friend; we pray together, study scripture together, plan a life of ministry together, laugh together, and can talk about anything from the nature of God to leech attacks. in six months we have never quarrelled, never exchanged a harsh word, never disagreed on anything we couldn't work through with love, respect, prayer, reflection and honesty; and i know that coming third in his life, behind God and his son, is absolutely the right place for me to be.

i love you bruce, and i know that in 20 years i will look back on this piece, written at a time when i had only scratched the surface, and i will reflect fondly back on these early days and think "what did i know then?"

happy birthday, my heart.