The GashleyCrumb Tinies, Part the Second*

With all regard to the great Ogdred Weary:

A is for Andy ~ thought I was a fool

B is for Brett ~ so unspeakably cruel

C is for Colin ~ ran back to the wife

D is for Darren who ruined my life

E is for Edward, so sad and forlorn

F is for Frank's great addiction to porn

G is for Grant, simply destined to fail

H is for Henry who landed in jail

I is for Ifan, whose life was a failure

And J is for James; he’s that knob from Australia

K is for Karel with the horrible skin

L is for Liam who was just way too thin

M is for Marc who went back to his ex

N is for Nicky who just wanted sex

O is for Oliver ~ sad and confused

P is for Patrick who made me feel used

Q is for Quentin who said I was fat

R is for Rick, done in twelve seconds flat

S is for Stephen who thought he was funny

T is for Thomas who stole all my money

U is for Uwe who wouldn't stop talking

V is for Victor, arrested for stalking

W is for Warren who was a double-fister

X is for Xavier who slept with my sister

Y is for Yannick who gave me a disease

And Z is for Zoltan, who I’m certain had fleas.

*some names have been changed to protect the nasty; don't ask me why...

The First Date

I cannot tell you just how I’ve
Looked forward to our meeting
But I have to say you knocked me sideways
With your cheerful greeting

You seemed so pleased to see me
Even though we’ve never met
You smiled and waved and called my name
Gave me a hug, and yet

It been so long since I have been on
Something like a date,
I have to say that meeting you
Has made it worth the wait

You order lunch for both of us,
Make sure that I’m looked after
The conversation flows like wine
So full of easy laughter

I listen to you tell me ‘bout
Your work and hobbies too
Your car, your friends, your soccer game;
You tell a joke or two

Oh wow you have gorgeous smile
And really handsome eyes
You’ve got the kind of sex appeal
You need not advertise

You seem so honest and sincere
Not easily annoyed
You’ve got a sense of humour and are
Gainfully employed

You seem to find me interesting
Hang on to every word
You ask me questions,
and have the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard

And I have to say I really like you;
Really think you’re great!
That’s how I know I’m guaranteed
There’ll be no second date.

A Journey Into Self-Bloody Actualization

It’s funny, ‘till I met you
I thought I was OK
That I lived a simple life of peace
Rejoiced in every day

I’d no idea I was mad!
Until you came along
But now I am so happy, pet,
To learn that I was wrong!

How good it is to know I’m nuts,
A psycho and a geek
That my life is out of all control:
I know not what I seek.

Its good to know I’m Jezebel
A liar and erratic
Both self-absorbed and vacuous,
A sneak and autocratic

You’ve no idea how I’m chuffed,
You’ve made me very glad!
When people ask me what I’m like
I simply say “I’m bad”.

How comforting it is to know
That everything’s my fault!
How dumb of me to take your words
With a proverbial pinch of salt.

I cannot tell you what a fool
A felt before we met,
When all was right in my world ~
I was happy then, and yet

I am glad you set me straight about
The evil in my heart
The nightmare that my presence brings
The lives I tear apart

I can’t believe how much you took!
Your saintly brow a-pucker
Oh, how you loved and cherished me…
…hey, come back, you little rat....!