how i came to canada

they are running a wee contest at work. every word of this submission is true. except the bit about the cheap wine.

with my folks, it was likely a case of colt 45.

With Canada Day around the corner, we thought it would be interesting to learn more about our co-workers, and their connection with Canada.

The contest is called How I came to Canada!
The story would be an anecdote around the circumstances of how you came to Canada. The committee will collect the stories and use them to devise a quiz for the contest. We want to hear stories about your origin, your family's origin, and any other interesting tidbits about how you came to live in Canada.


my father immigrated to canada from england and became a citizen in the late fifties. in 1953, he was paid $200.00 to travel to czechoslovakia and marry my mother, bring her to canada legally and then divorce her (actually, 28 years later, death did them part). and so she arrived in canada on canada day, 1964, not speaking a word of english, married to a man she'd known for only 6 days (and they tell us internet relationships are weird??)


one night, after a cheap bottle of wine, my father looked at my mother and said "hey, are you thinking what i'm thinking?"


my mother, not speaking a word of english, simply smiled and nodded.


and so it was that i was born in east york general hospital. and as a symbol of how happy my parents were to have me, they named me after a shipwreck (the andrea doria, 1956)


did i mention my mother didn't speak english?

we pause for a moment of ecclesiastic piety...

... or not

i am the envy of every woman with an internet dating inbox...

I LOVE YOU
MY NAME----------USMAN
AGE---------------------28M
RES-----------------INDIA(BIKANER)
EDU----------DOUBLE MA & BED
HEIGHT------------------6F3INCH
CALL------------------KHANUSMANGANI@GMAIL.COM
--------------------------KHANUSMANGANI@REDIFFMAIL.COM
=------------------------USMAN_GANI_KHAN@YAHOO.COM
----------WAIT YOUR REPLY
--------------------------------------------------------USMAN

a certain aussie would agree....

... that if this were true, i'd have been married years ago.

the joys of online dating, part the second

real letters from an internet dating inbox....


****** ORIGINAL MESSAGE ******
my name is corina.i am 29 prof of french.i am engaged with a freek man who is 38 doctor. we are friendly and good persons.classy couple. i would like to invite you in greece this summer to spend holidays with us in a greek island. best wishes corina

****** REPLY ******
thank you for the invitation. i would love to come. however, i cannot leave my 78 year old mother alone. is it ok if i bring her as well? oh yes, she also has a dog that she cannot leave. we will be bringing her along too. thank you for the invitation; please send details soonest.

annie

ps: i love souvlaki. i hope there is lots


****** ORIGINAL MESSAGE ******
dear ma
i am an ophan , please can you adopt me ? am in africa now. an 18years old and my name is seyi, hope to hear from you. if you want my picture i will send it for you please leav your email .

****** REPLY ******
hello dear.

contact me when you become a heart specialist. then we'll talk adoption.


****** ORIGINAL MESSAGE ******
Compliment of day to you,I am Smith by name an African,a Mechanical Engineering student in Malaysia,I understand you might have been recieving different massages from different person most times but intentions of individuals are different,iam interested in knowing you if you dont mind.I would love to know more about you. I might be a stranger to you,I believe persons who are lovers to were once a stranger,and it the intention of that so called stranger that matters. Much love.
Smith

****** REPLY ******
dear smith

i am too compliment you this day. i also am african of nigeria, i am daughter with great yoruba chief Ogun, Oya, Sango,Obatala,Obatarisa ,sanpono, ofo emi ile, gbigbona, olode, esu, and Iku ojiji, many greetings.

i have many massages here and my intentions are husband and much money. for this i also give massages.

do not be stranger. send cash if you dont mind.

****** ORIGINAL MESSAGE ******
Hi, please let me introduce myself. I am Saheed Usman. A citizen of Nigeria. I reside in Cotonou Benin Republic of West Africa.
I am a graduate of structural engineers in my country Nigeria. I came from an Etnic group called the Igbo in southeast of my Country. After my graduation in the year 2000 as an Engineer. I Spent three whole years in search of job.

A friend of mine gave me a travelling opportunity to one of the African countries called Cotonou Benin Republic .Where i am presently residing. Working with a consultant firm as a Seceretary. Which is different from my profession. I am 31 years of age. Slight dark, and 1.7m tall as regards to height. My weight is 80kg.

I came across your information in a adult yahoo love chatting site today. and decided to write you as regards to Marriage proposal I shall give you all necessary information about me if you want. I am capable to suit you. L have what you are looking for. I am honest, gentle kind to an extent. Not only that I am handsome also a Caring guy.
I Prayed to God almighty since I have made up my mind to get married to a woman for my life. No matter the nationality
whom I shall care for. And she could in return care for me both in sickness and in Health. We shall remain as husband and wife. Forever. Therefore I want you to consider my proposal base on a personal decision.

Dear, I want you to give an attention to my marriage proposal with kind reply stating your interest .I promise to be of a good marriage material by the grace of God. You will not regret of knowing me as a Testimony husband..
Hope to receive your reply as soon as possible.
Thanks Saheed Usman


****** REPLY ******
Igbo? Hmmm... usually my nigerian suitors are yoruba. is this a step up?

****** ORIGINAL MESSAGE ******

hey i am a 26 year old and i have a thing for older girls and i know what i like and girl you are it so if you like email me at chris_rXXX@hotmail.com i will talk to you later sugar

****** REPLY ******

does your mother know what you are up to???

inner conflict

they are fixing the roof of my house, and the inner turmoil it is causing me is enough to make me weep:

on the one hand, i am deeply resentful of being woken up at 7:30am to the sounds of hammering, banging and general roof-repairing noises.

on the other hand, there are four half-naked, tanned, cut italian men scurrying around my property; all of them apparently under the age of 24, one of whom even asked for my phone number.

i believe this is what is meant by "mixed blessing"

an open letter to my ex who will not go away...

*ahem*

You’re an itchy, scabie, prickly rash, embarrassing and vile

A chronic, nasty canker that flares up once in a while

I wish you that would go away and simply leave me be

Instead I wonder when you will recur to bother me

I wish I’d never met you; wish that we’d never connected

Then I would have the joy of never having been infected

You’re crotch rot, hives, icthyosis; a swollen, bloated cyst

You’re scleroderma (localized), you are psoriasis.

You’re impetigo, anal warts, atopic dermatitis

You’re carcinoma, angioma, tinea capitis

You’re a burning yeast infection; you are darier’s disease

You’re keratoacanthoma, you’re chiggers and you’re fleas

You’re something I contracted in a third-world country dung house

You’re totally incurable like a nasty, toe-nail fungus

You’re Onychomycosis, you’re Pompholyx and Halo Nevus

Please tell me what I have to do to get you, man, to leave us?

I’d do anything I had to, to forget you were my mister

And remember you as simply an achrochordonic blister.